#25 Vanilla Ice

Best of?!?! Are you fucking kidding me?!?!

Species Name: Onehitwonderus Whoricus

“Alright stop, collaborate and listen, Ice is back” with the same fucking song he’s been singing for the last twenty years.  I know, I know, Vanilla Ice doesn’t seem like such a timely victim to be thinned from the herd, but that was before this aired on the “Early Show” this morning:

Robert Van Winkle, aka Vanilla Ice, I bow my head to you for being the first white boy to take the rapping world by storm.  The guy does deserve some accolades, after all, “Ice Ice Baby” was the first hip hop song to top the Billboard single chart and the album the hit was on became the fastest selling hip hop album of all time.  Not to mention the fact that every suburban white kid at my school, including myself, knew the words to “Ice Ice Baby.”  Now that all that flattery is out of the way, lets get down to the nitty gritty.  Vanilla Ice just won’t go the fuck away.  He couldn’t go quietly into the night like such one hit wonders as Dexy’s Midnight Runners and Chumbawumba. No, this shit stick had to wear out his welcome by not only changing his music style to crappy hard rock, but then still expecting everyone to buy his crappy hard rock albums. Instead of trying to reinvent yourself, why couldn’t you just quit while you were ahead?  Actually I know why, because he’s a walking celebrity cliche and has too big of a drug habit to support.

So once again you have made your way back into the mainstream thanks to the Early Show having some bullshit segment on what was cool twenty years ago.  Although I don’t think you should have delusions of grandeur about being too cool to perform your one hit, I also think it’s a tad bit pathetic that you seem to whore yourself out for any opportunity to perform the one song that made you socially relevant.  It’s sad to think that by imagining a world sans Vanilla Ice, a major portion of my childhood would be stripped away from me…but nobody said this job would be easy.

In a world where Vanilla Ice didn’t exist to make all future white boy rappers the laughing stock of the hip hop world:

• We’d all have that $6 back that we spent on going to see one of the worst movies of all time, Cool as Ice.  Don’t act like you weren’t stoked when that movie came out…

• The “Surreal Life” would’ve been forced to find another washed up celebrity to be on their show, what a dilemma…
• Todd Bridges would’ve had to fight another washed up celebrity on “Celebrity Boxing.”
• We would’ve never been able to witness this amazing meltdown broadcast on MTV:

• No one would’ve been able to look so ridiculous in glittery jump suits and whatever that hairdo was:

• On a sad note, we would never have gotten to experience the “Ninja Rap” in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze:

• Florida would be minus one more crazy, white trashy, spouse abusing, drug using, self destructive loser.

We all had fun singing “Ice Ice Baby,” but now its time for it to die along with Vanilla Ice.  Unfortunately, unless this clown is locked up in the slammer, he’ll keep pushing his crappy straight edge rock and whoring himself out to anyone who wants to pay him to sing “Ice Ice Baby” for fifty bucks.  Hey Vanilla, I’ll pay you fifty bucks to sing “Ninja Rap” and then jump off a building, how bout that?

But one has to have dreams right?

• Rebooting the News moves (Scripting News)