pop articles: Dear The Hills

**Yep, The Hills. I know my posts thus far have been “deeper” than this, and there’s plenty of depth and trauma to wade through before this blog is over… but this one’s pretty funny and I thought you’d like it. Enjoy!**

Dear Idiotic Women of “The Hills”… and the teenagers who emulate them:

No it does not always take that one other person to really get you over someone else. In fact, sometimes one can actually take some time, think things through, and get over it on her own. It’s amazing, I know, that a woman could do that, but I swear to you it can be done. In fact, I’ve never gotten over a relationship any other way. It doesn’t even hurt! And best of all, it doesn’t hurt anyone else!

Also, Heidi, Thank God you grew some balls! Apparently they came with the wedding ring! I have to say, though, that I’m of a mind that it’s a pussy move on a woman’s part to act so easily cowed beforehand. I’ve never actually known someone to morph like that. Marrying someone, especially this day and age, doesn’t mean you’re safe to all of a sudden become a whole different person and think that the person will have to stay because you’re married.

Audrina-

You are such a little dummy. You’re my favorite little idiot on the show now that Lauren’s gone, but you’re still an idiot. Justin Bobby doesn’t love anyone more than he loves playing games. He fucks with your head ON PURPOSE and he always had. He hasn’t even hidden that fact from you! Leave the poor fucker to mess with someone else, someone who can fight back a bit, like Kristen, because you’re too damned nice to be as jaded as you seem to wish you were. Also, you tend to exaggerate the things people say to you. When you repeat something later on to someone else, your version is always more drama and emotion charged… I understand that you probably don’t realize you do this, but you do. How someone made you feel isn’t a fact, and re-arranging the story so they said what you felt like they said doesn’t make it so.

Stacie-

You seem like one of those women who never works out because you’re naturally thin and you’re busy drinking Anorexics (or whatever the new hip equivalent is)… But you so need to work out. I can see every night of your overindulgence on your saggy butt and arms. You shouldn’t look like that, just use your blondie friends as a guide. This advice should keep you from looking like the prematurely aging, used up, rinsed out, and hung up wet slaggy dishrag that you truly are. PS the reason you’re popular with men is that your appearance screams “I will fuck you immediately in a public bathroom and not care if you never learn my name!” You ain’t foolin’ anyone, lady.

Speidi: I find you boring now that you’re borderline likeable. Spencer, you deserve so much worse than you’re getting but it’s still nice to see you squirm. Heidi: I can’t figure out if you’re just a completely calculating facade or if you’re really as useless and clueless as you seem. Are you two really going to spend your entire lives scheming against each other and getting paid to show up at 12 year old’s birthday parties? Wouldn’t you be bored? Aren’t you already?

Justin Bobby: You’re a bipolar jackhole who deserves a cork boot to the gonads. Your faux-zen manipulative bullshit should be so much more transparent to these women. It’s a good thing you landed yourself in the city of dumb blondes and naïve brunettes.

Lo:

I love you. Thank you for keeping yourself classy at all times. You are a woman to be admired.

Ditto for the most part to Lauren, though you had your moments of drama.

Brody:

I can’t help but like you, even though I feel you’re a major tool a good portion of the time. I guess you’re just too much like the tools I know and love in my own life.

Kristen:

You’ve grown into a likeable if complex character since Laguna but your constant defensive stature won’t get you too far in life. It’s nice to see you’ve let your walls down a bit even if it is for Justin Bobby. You’re a very smart woman and you’re certainly living by your own rules. Your saving grace, if you ask me, is that you lay it all out on the table. Kudos for the blunt honesty, it’s a nice counterpoint to the machinations of Speidi.

Jayde:

Honey, you’re beautiful. And you are so on the live hard, die early track. Please stop drinking so much and put your drama down for awhile. Please just do it for those of us who will otherwise have to watch another beautiful young Hollywood woman kill herself because she can’t convince herself she’s worthy of a good and worthwhile life.

Dear Bald guy in the background scene of Kristen’s party when Holly is drunk dancing:

You’re hot. You make me want to lick you. That’s all. Just thought I’d mention it.

Dear Holly:

See the Jayde portion of this ridiculousness, but read it with a more affectionate tone because I like you way more than her. You’re quirky and fun. Live like you know it.

Dear everyone else on this ridiculous show that I always find myself watching and hating myself a bit for being so drawn in by:

I get it. You all get to be semi-famous and make some money for doing basically nothing plus perks like trips and parties and such. I totally get it. Still makes you look stupid for hanging out with 25 year olds who act no different now, really, than they did on the reality shows they starred in during High School.

Ooh, just an end note to Frankie: I have a total thing for you not in small part due to your voice and your ability to seem like you don’t give a shit about the drama and to not be pulled in. Good job, and also, you should hope you never find yourself close enough to me to be rufied. LOL.